On the Road to Biloxi

Scene opens as Tom Is pulling the Escalade onto I-10 east heading towards Biloxi.

Linus is in the backseat lying back getting ready to take a nap.

Linus is taking a long drag off of a one hitter and Tom starts giving him some hell.

Tom: Where in the hell did you have that stuff?

Linus: Right back here.

Tom: Give me a hit.

Linus: Hell no, get your own or get me to Biloxi in one piece and then you can have some.

Tom: Why in the fuck are we going to Biloxi anyway?

Linus: Remember? We have to take the Coors to the little people.

Tom: Come on Alan!

Linus: See, I told you Alan was real.

Tom: Enough of that senseless dribble. You wanna get to Biloxi you better

give me some info now. Come on, quit holing out on me. I wanna know what all of

this shit is about. Did you get yourself mixed up with the mob in Vegas? Oh fuck,

you did didn't you. You know what those guys do to guys like us.

Linus: (obviously growing sick of the noise coming from Tom's hole)

Okay, chill the hell out and I will tell you what's going on.

Tom: You're fucking right you will.

Linus: You better SHUT THE FUCK up if you wanna hear this.

Tom: Right, okay, go ahead.

Linus: So, it all goes back to 96. I just graduated from Westpoint.

Tom: Westpoint? You told me went to Arizona State.

Linus: I did for a semester. Then I decided I needed to get my shit together. I figured if I could

get into Westpoint I could really open up a lot of doors. So, I decided to cut all ties

with you trouble makers from Indiana and focus on my future. Just after graduation

I was contacted by a gentleman who claimed to work for the Federal Government

of the United States. He sent me a plane ticket and asked me to meet

with him regarding an employment opportunity. You with me so far?

Tom: Arizona State, Westpoint, Federal Government, Job offer. Gotcha

Linus: (fade to flash back as the story is recounted)

I hop the flight from Phoenix to Baltimore and when I arrive he meets

me at the terminal. We climb into a large black sedan and we drive out to Fort Meade.

When we arrive I sign 20 or 30 confidentiality forms that note anything I might see

is classified information and unauthorized dissemination of that information

is punishable by anything from 3 yrs to the chair. After signing all of the required forms

He asks me to join him with 3 other gentlemen in an inner office. It turns out that

I am at the head quarters of the much fabled NSA. I didn't even know if this place existed.

To make a long story short they asked me if I would take a job working in Belize

with the CIA to figure out who was behind the plot to over through President Velesquez.

It seemed that they needed someone on the ground to intercept and decipher radio

and cellular transmissions. I was given the code name Alan Qwest. I had been in

Belize for about 6 weeks when I deciphered some intel that pointed to some

cooperation between a splinter military group and the CIA spooks that were there to

protect the president. I reported it to the officer in charge. This is when shit started to fall

apart. He pulled his sidearm. He told me I had 2 choices. First, I could go along with them

and take a portion of the payoff. Or I could take a bullet in the head. I told him I would go along with it in order to save my ass. He left the office locking the door behind him and instructing me to stay there. Shortly after he left I jimmied the door and escaped out the back.

I escaped the complex on foot and I kept moving until I was able get to the US Embassy in Guatemala. I placed a secure call to my handlers at the NSA and was airlifted back to the US.

Tom: Alan Qwest? Sounds more like James Bond. Whatthefuck? I'm supposed to believe this?

Linus: I don't give a fuck if you believe it or not.

Tom: Well then who the Fuck is Mike Browning?

Linus: Mike Browning is the name I was given after coming back from Belize.

I told the NSA I wanted out. They said I knew too much about the overthrow in Belize.

The only way I could get out was if I joined the Witness Protection Program.

At the time it was an easy choice. The CIA spooks knew who I was. Who in the hell

knew how many boys they had back here that would help them take me out. As time went by,

I couldn't stand the being alone any longer. That is when I called you in Vegas.

It didn't take long for you to convince me that I should come and visit. After that, it was over.

I left the Witness Protection Program without notifying anyone and moved to Vegas. I am

sure they know where I am and they have probably been fairly happy to leave me alone

while I was laying low in Vegas. But then I got the invite for Julianne's wedding

and I couldn't miss that. To top it off I won the 100 grand before leaving town. I know

it won't be long before they catch up to me but I have to get back to Indiana and see

Julieanne before the wedding. I have some things I need to take care of in person.

Tom: I think you have lost your fucking mind but you are a pretty good story teller.

Linus: Believe it or not, I don't give a fuck but you better keep it to yourself.

Tom: Alright man, take your nap and get the edge off. Maybe when you wake up you

won't be so cranky.

Linus: We should be in Biloxi in 6 hours. Wake me up when we get there

so we can make our delivery and get back to Indiana.

Character Pallet

Cast of characters (currently)

Linus Blackjack aka. Michael Browning aka. Alan Qwest

Julieanne Chamberland (tara reid might even be able to fill this roll)

Tom Archibald (friend to linus pot fiend)

Dan Scrotus ( this is so we can have some easy genital jokes later on )

Mike Chamberland (Julieanne's brother)

Jenny Martin-Chamberland (Mike's wife It's hyphenated because she is and independent woman)

Linus the Dog

Donnie Baker (obnoxioius, overbearing, bounty hunter/P.I./Black Marketeer. A general "NareDoWell"

There will also need to be a local cop that everyone hates.
We will need a reverand/preacher/padre.
Surely there will be a doctor and a lawyer.
A mysterious stranger who will be following Linus.

Please feel free to give these characters names at anytime or change the names of current characters to suit your taste.

Also, what is the genral direction of this story?
Does Linus get the girl?
Who is the stranger?
Does Donnie have a greater purpose or was he only here for my fun?
Do my balls itch?


Please gentlemen, let me know your thoughts.
As for story direction, maybe we should email instead of posting here.
We don't want to ruin the story for anyone.

As for my balls, we can discuss them openly.

7/14 7:45 Hole In The Wall Restaurant

Scene opens with Julianne Chamberland and Dan Whitaker having dinner at some hoe in the wall. She is wearing oversized sunglasses and a long sleeve blouse on a 90-degree day. Dan is wearing a ratty Miller High-Life t-shirt and a Harley-Davidson bandana on his head. From her purse on the floor, Julianne’s cell phone rings and she reaches to answer it.

Dan (with hostility in his voice): Who is it? Why the hell can’t we get through one dinner without someone calling you?

Julianne (glancing at the caller ID): It’s Jenny. It probably has something to do with the wedding. I better take it.

Julianne (into the phone): Hello? Oh, hi Jenny.

Jenny: You’ll never guess who I just talked to…Tom! He’s on his way back to town with Linus for your wedding.

Julianne: Yeah, well…listen, Jen, I’m sure you can handle everything with the florist. Just make sure it gets taken care of.

Jenny: Oh shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t think about Dan being with you. I figured he’d be passed out by now.

Julianne: Well, okay. I’ll give you a call in the morning to make sure everything’s set with the flowers.

Jenny: Are you okay sweetie?

By this time, Dan is visibly pissed…tapping his fingers on the table and glaring at Julianne.

Julianne: I’m just tired. We’ll talk tomorrow.

Jenny: Okay, Michael’s beeping in. Call me.

Scene shifts to Jenny sitting on her front porch smoking a cigarette as she clicks over to answer the incoming call.

Jenny: Hey baby, where ya at?

Michael: I just closed up the garage. Listen honey, I just got a call from a customer of mine who works over at the Hole In The Wall restaurant on 3rd St. He said Julianne and Dan are there and it looks like he’s been hitting her again.

Jenny: Oh my God! I just talked to her. I knew there was something wrong from the way she talked.

Michael: Well, I’m gonna go by there and see what’s going on.

Jenny: Mike, don’t do anything stupid. Why don’t you just come home and I’ll go over to their house with you.
Michael: If he’s been hitting my sister again, I’m not going to wait around and try to be tactful about it. I can’t believe I offered that son of a bitch a job! Well, I’m here. Their car’s still in the parking lot. I’ll call you in a bit.

Jenny: Come on Mike be sensible. You’ve got no business getting yourself thrown in jail!

Michael: It’s not going to come to that. I’m just going to talk to him. (In a quieter tone) There’s a thousand dollars in my sock drawer if anything happens. I’ll be okay. I love you honey.

Jenny: I love you too. Be…

Michael hangs up…click.

Back inside the restaurant, Dan & Julianne are eating their Salisbury steaks and the server is refilling their iced tea.

Server: Is there anything else I can get…

At this moment, Michael, rushing in, interrupts.

Michael: What the hell happened?

Dan stands up and positions himself between Julianne and Michael.

Michael: Come on Jul, you’re staying with Jenny and me tonight. (Pointing directly at Dan’s face, just inches away): And I’ll deal with you tomorrow.

Dan: What’s going on Mike? I’m trying to have dinner with my fiancée.

Michael: Since when does dinner involve a busted lip and a black eye that even those ridiculous Elton John sunglasses can’t hide?

Julianne (meekly): It’s okay, Mike. I’m okay. He just… (Turning to Dan): Dan, I think I should go.

Julianne steps around Dan and takes Michael’s hand. As they turn to leave, Dan yells after them: Julianne, wait! Can’t we all just sit down and talk?

Scene ends as Michael and Julianne exit the restaurant.

Next scene opens on Tom and Linus sitting in the 3rd row behind home plate during the seventh inning stretch. Over the PA system, the announcer can be heard paging Alan Qwest to the nearest security kiosk.