Euthanasia in the Heartland
The scene opens with a half drunken Dan sitting on the roof of his house. He's in deep thought over the events that took place earlier that night at the "Hole in the Wall." His rage kicks in the more he ponders the whole situation.
Dan: Who the fuck does she think she is? Her and her fuckass brother… He better bring a lunch if he thinks he’s gonna deal with me tomorrow!
As he unintentionally drives himself closer and closer into conniptions, he hears a startling series of barks coming from the front yard. This only enrages him more.
Dan: Shut the fuck up, you god damn dog!
And without hesitation he hurls his beer towards the mailbox, where the barks came from. He listens for the bottle to make touch down. What he hears is not a thud, shatter, or a yelp for that matter. It is a very distinct squeal.
Dan: Aw hell!
The scene cuts to Linus (the dog) rooting around in the front yard up by the road. He has picked up on the scent of a pot belly pig that’s lying in the ditch of the front yard.
Linus: Woof
As Linus continues to bark and growl at the pig. Dan comes stumbling from behind.
Dan: Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! This isn’t happening.
Linus: Ruff
Dan: You shut up!
Linus (In fast succession): Bark Bark Bark
Dan throws a wild roundhouse kick at Linus that sends him scampering off towards the house.
Dan (Yelling): That’ll show ya… (Mumbling now) Faggot ass dog.
As Dan comes upon the pig his worst fears prove to be true. The scene flashes back two weeks when Julianne was trying to persuade Dan to let her mom’s pot belly pig stay with them while her parents were on vacation. He only agreed to watch damn thing in hopes that they might change their minds and help pay for the wedding. The scene cuts back to the present.
Dan (Shaking his head): This ain’t gonna go over well.
As far as Dan could tell from the look of things, the pig had been hit by a car and not just his beer bottle. There is blood coming from its mouth and every few seconds its back legs twitch. Well, at least it’s still alive, Dan thinks.
Linus (In the distance): Woof
Dan turns toward the bark in disgust. Dan had obviously forgotten to close the gate when he got home. He runs into the house and calls Dr. Puckett.
Dan (On the phone now): Answer… Answer… Ans…
Dr. Puckett: Hello
Dr. Puckett is a horse vet that has been taking care of Dan’s dad’s horses for years. Dan is hoping he will know something about pigs too.
Dan: Dr. Puckett, Thank god you answered. This is Dan Scrotus. You know, Big Glenn Scrotus’ kid?
Dr. Puckett: I know who you are. It’s 3:00 in the morning. What do you need?
Dan: My pig was hit by a car and is still alive.
Dr. Puckett: What’s the pig’s name?
Dan: What do you need the pigs name for?
Dr. Puckett (Talking very loud and stern): Damn it man! There’s no time. Give me the pig’s name.
Dan: Ahhhhh! Um… It’s… Uh… It’s…
Dr. Puckett: Hurry man!
Dan: Oh! His name is Lloyd!
Dr. Puckett: I’ll be right over.
Dan hangs up the phone and goes back outside to further access the pig. The pig is now wheezing with every breath and his back legs have stopped twitching. Twenty minutes later Dr. Puckett arrives at the house. He is driving a 4-door Ford F150 with a goose neck trailer hitch in the bed. Dan meets the doc at his truck door. In the back ground they can hear Linus barking.
Dr. Puckett: How’s Lloyd’s condition?
Dan: I think he’s getting worse Doc.
Dr. Puckett: I was hoping that he wasn’t that baa…d. Are you drunk?
Dan: No! Nah. I’ve only had two or twelve beers.
Dr. Puckett: You got any more?
Dan: Yeah. Why? You want one?
Dr. Puckett: No. I thought the pig could use one to help take the edge off.
Dan (Scratching his head with a look of confusion): Really? You actually think it…
Dr. Puckett (With frustration): Go get me a beer!
Dan points out where Lloyd is and heads to the house to fetch the doc a beer. The doc sees Lloyd and at first glance knows that there’s no hope for him. Dan quickly returns with a beer and hands it to the doc.
Dan: What’s verdict Doc?
Dr. Puckett: It’s not good.
Dan: What do you mean?
Dr. Puckett: The verdict is shitty.
There is now about a 10 second pause.
Dan: Oh yeah.
Dr. Puckett (Taking a swig of beer): It’s like this. I can take him back to my office and try to treat him but that would only prolong things for a day or so. Two days at the most.
Dan: Well, do I have any other options?
Dr. Puckett: Honestly, putting him down would be the most humane thing to do.
Dan: Julianne is gonna freak the fuck out. And god damn, her parents are gonna shit kittens! (There’s a pause as he is thinking) Alright, let’s get this over with.
Dr. Puckett: Ok. Run and get my bag out of my truck.
Dan: Where’s it at?
Dr. Puckett: In the bed of my truck.
Dan jogs up to the truck to retrieve the bag. He can’t quite reach it so he starts to climb into the back of the truck. He loses his footing and falls right on the goose neck trailer hitch. When he falls onto the hitch, he smokes himself right in the eye. Dan can immediately feel his eye swell shut. Cursing and holding his eye he is still able to grab the doc’s bag. As he walks up to the doc he’s still cursing.
Dr. Puckett: What happened to you?
Dan: Your truck sucks.
Dr. Puckett: And I’m about to murder your pig.
Linus (In the distance): Woof
Dan: That ain’t even cool.
Dr. Puckett: Gimme the bag.
Dan hands the doc the bag in disgust and backs up still holding his eye. Doc fumbles through it for the tools he needs. He takes a syringe out of the side pocket. He then takes a very large bottle of Sodium Pentobarbital from the main compartment of his bag. Just incase one is not enough, the doc give Lloyd two full injections of the chemical. Lloyd is now dead.
Dr. Puckett: That should do the trick.
Dan: You sure?
Dr. Puckett: Well, for the last 20 years it’s always seemed to work on horses.
Dan: You’re the expert.
Dr. Puckett (handing his half drank beer back to Dan): It’s late and I need to get back home. Besides, you have a hole to dig.
Dan (Lacking sincerity): Well, thanks for coming over and helping me out.
Dr. Puckett: No problem. I’ll send you a bill tomorrow.
Dan just glares irately at the doc as he gets in his truck and drives off. By now Dan’s buzz has totally worn off. He drags dead Lloyd to the backyard, grabs a shovel, and starts digging. It only takes Dan about an hour and a half to finish the job. At 5:30 AM Dan decides to rekindle his buzz from earlier. He does this with a 2/3rds full bottle of Evan Williams.
The scene fades out and back in to Dan waking at 11:oo AM to “The Price Is Right” theme song. His head is pounding and he has to piss like there’s no tomorrow. On his way to the bathroom he peers out the window into the backyard.
Dan: What the fuck!
He can’t believe his eyes and runs out the door towards Lloyd’s grave. The grave has been uncovered and Lloyd lie half eaten only a few feet away. Dan is pissed that he had spent all that time on a grave only to have it dug up. Dan Wonders what else could possibly go wrong.
Dan: Stupid… Shit… FUCK!!!
As Dan’s head pounds, he walks to get the shovel. He wonders what kind of animal could possibly have dug Lloyd up. The biggest animal around there was a raccoon. He just couldn’t imagine how raccoons could have done this. Dan is so lost in thoughts of raccoons that he doesn’t see the obstacle in his way. He trips and falls to the ground. He sits up and looks to see what he had tripped over, His jaw drops.
Dan (Yelling): Stupid fuckin dog!!!
Dan’s thought’s are no longer of crazy raccoons, but of how he is going to tell Julianne that he inadvertently killed Lloyd and Linus. Linus is responsible for digging Lloyd up and feasting on his bacon ass. It turns out that the doc didn’t need to give Lloyd a horse size dose of the injection after all. Not only was it enough to take care of Lloyd, but enough to take care of Linus as well.
Dan: Who the fuck does she think she is? Her and her fuckass brother… He better bring a lunch if he thinks he’s gonna deal with me tomorrow!
As he unintentionally drives himself closer and closer into conniptions, he hears a startling series of barks coming from the front yard. This only enrages him more.
Dan: Shut the fuck up, you god damn dog!
And without hesitation he hurls his beer towards the mailbox, where the barks came from. He listens for the bottle to make touch down. What he hears is not a thud, shatter, or a yelp for that matter. It is a very distinct squeal.
Dan: Aw hell!
The scene cuts to Linus (the dog) rooting around in the front yard up by the road. He has picked up on the scent of a pot belly pig that’s lying in the ditch of the front yard.
Linus: Woof
As Linus continues to bark and growl at the pig. Dan comes stumbling from behind.
Dan: Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! This isn’t happening.
Linus: Ruff
Dan: You shut up!
Linus (In fast succession): Bark Bark Bark
Dan throws a wild roundhouse kick at Linus that sends him scampering off towards the house.
Dan (Yelling): That’ll show ya… (Mumbling now) Faggot ass dog.
As Dan comes upon the pig his worst fears prove to be true. The scene flashes back two weeks when Julianne was trying to persuade Dan to let her mom’s pot belly pig stay with them while her parents were on vacation. He only agreed to watch damn thing in hopes that they might change their minds and help pay for the wedding. The scene cuts back to the present.
Dan (Shaking his head): This ain’t gonna go over well.
As far as Dan could tell from the look of things, the pig had been hit by a car and not just his beer bottle. There is blood coming from its mouth and every few seconds its back legs twitch. Well, at least it’s still alive, Dan thinks.
Linus (In the distance): Woof
Dan turns toward the bark in disgust. Dan had obviously forgotten to close the gate when he got home. He runs into the house and calls Dr. Puckett.
Dan (On the phone now): Answer… Answer… Ans…
Dr. Puckett: Hello
Dr. Puckett is a horse vet that has been taking care of Dan’s dad’s horses for years. Dan is hoping he will know something about pigs too.
Dan: Dr. Puckett, Thank god you answered. This is Dan Scrotus. You know, Big Glenn Scrotus’ kid?
Dr. Puckett: I know who you are. It’s 3:00 in the morning. What do you need?
Dan: My pig was hit by a car and is still alive.
Dr. Puckett: What’s the pig’s name?
Dan: What do you need the pigs name for?
Dr. Puckett (Talking very loud and stern): Damn it man! There’s no time. Give me the pig’s name.
Dan: Ahhhhh! Um… It’s… Uh… It’s…
Dr. Puckett: Hurry man!
Dan: Oh! His name is Lloyd!
Dr. Puckett: I’ll be right over.
Dan hangs up the phone and goes back outside to further access the pig. The pig is now wheezing with every breath and his back legs have stopped twitching. Twenty minutes later Dr. Puckett arrives at the house. He is driving a 4-door Ford F150 with a goose neck trailer hitch in the bed. Dan meets the doc at his truck door. In the back ground they can hear Linus barking.
Dr. Puckett: How’s Lloyd’s condition?
Dan: I think he’s getting worse Doc.
Dr. Puckett: I was hoping that he wasn’t that baa…d. Are you drunk?
Dan: No! Nah. I’ve only had two or twelve beers.
Dr. Puckett: You got any more?
Dan: Yeah. Why? You want one?
Dr. Puckett: No. I thought the pig could use one to help take the edge off.
Dan (Scratching his head with a look of confusion): Really? You actually think it…
Dr. Puckett (With frustration): Go get me a beer!
Dan points out where Lloyd is and heads to the house to fetch the doc a beer. The doc sees Lloyd and at first glance knows that there’s no hope for him. Dan quickly returns with a beer and hands it to the doc.
Dan: What’s verdict Doc?
Dr. Puckett: It’s not good.
Dan: What do you mean?
Dr. Puckett: The verdict is shitty.
There is now about a 10 second pause.
Dan: Oh yeah.
Dr. Puckett (Taking a swig of beer): It’s like this. I can take him back to my office and try to treat him but that would only prolong things for a day or so. Two days at the most.
Dan: Well, do I have any other options?
Dr. Puckett: Honestly, putting him down would be the most humane thing to do.
Dan: Julianne is gonna freak the fuck out. And god damn, her parents are gonna shit kittens! (There’s a pause as he is thinking) Alright, let’s get this over with.
Dr. Puckett: Ok. Run and get my bag out of my truck.
Dan: Where’s it at?
Dr. Puckett: In the bed of my truck.
Dan jogs up to the truck to retrieve the bag. He can’t quite reach it so he starts to climb into the back of the truck. He loses his footing and falls right on the goose neck trailer hitch. When he falls onto the hitch, he smokes himself right in the eye. Dan can immediately feel his eye swell shut. Cursing and holding his eye he is still able to grab the doc’s bag. As he walks up to the doc he’s still cursing.
Dr. Puckett: What happened to you?
Dan: Your truck sucks.
Dr. Puckett: And I’m about to murder your pig.
Linus (In the distance): Woof
Dan: That ain’t even cool.
Dr. Puckett: Gimme the bag.
Dan hands the doc the bag in disgust and backs up still holding his eye. Doc fumbles through it for the tools he needs. He takes a syringe out of the side pocket. He then takes a very large bottle of Sodium Pentobarbital from the main compartment of his bag. Just incase one is not enough, the doc give Lloyd two full injections of the chemical. Lloyd is now dead.
Dr. Puckett: That should do the trick.
Dan: You sure?
Dr. Puckett: Well, for the last 20 years it’s always seemed to work on horses.
Dan: You’re the expert.
Dr. Puckett (handing his half drank beer back to Dan): It’s late and I need to get back home. Besides, you have a hole to dig.
Dan (Lacking sincerity): Well, thanks for coming over and helping me out.
Dr. Puckett: No problem. I’ll send you a bill tomorrow.
Dan just glares irately at the doc as he gets in his truck and drives off. By now Dan’s buzz has totally worn off. He drags dead Lloyd to the backyard, grabs a shovel, and starts digging. It only takes Dan about an hour and a half to finish the job. At 5:30 AM Dan decides to rekindle his buzz from earlier. He does this with a 2/3rds full bottle of Evan Williams.
The scene fades out and back in to Dan waking at 11:oo AM to “The Price Is Right” theme song. His head is pounding and he has to piss like there’s no tomorrow. On his way to the bathroom he peers out the window into the backyard.
Dan: What the fuck!
He can’t believe his eyes and runs out the door towards Lloyd’s grave. The grave has been uncovered and Lloyd lie half eaten only a few feet away. Dan is pissed that he had spent all that time on a grave only to have it dug up. Dan Wonders what else could possibly go wrong.
Dan: Stupid… Shit… FUCK!!!
As Dan’s head pounds, he walks to get the shovel. He wonders what kind of animal could possibly have dug Lloyd up. The biggest animal around there was a raccoon. He just couldn’t imagine how raccoons could have done this. Dan is so lost in thoughts of raccoons that he doesn’t see the obstacle in his way. He trips and falls to the ground. He sits up and looks to see what he had tripped over, His jaw drops.
Dan (Yelling): Stupid fuckin dog!!!
Dan’s thought’s are no longer of crazy raccoons, but of how he is going to tell Julianne that he inadvertently killed Lloyd and Linus. Linus is responsible for digging Lloyd up and feasting on his bacon ass. It turns out that the doc didn’t need to give Lloyd a horse size dose of the injection after all. Not only was it enough to take care of Lloyd, but enough to take care of Linus as well.
posted by Duffy Cox at 3:12 AM
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